The Immortal Never Die
by Romansu Neko
Summary: Hidan and Kakuzu return from the brink of death after an embarassing defeat, and now they have a chance to start over in life. How will they use this oppertunity? Will they return to the life they once knew or begin anew?
1. Awakening

Ba-ba…ba…ba-dump…ba-dump…

Author's Note: Hey folks. So, yeah, new story time. This is another one of my favorite pairings, KakuHidan. Yaaay! Uhm…Rated for Hidan's language and yaoi…and possibly lemon if I feel up to it and get the right reviews…xD Tell me what you guys want! Want lemon? You got it! And sorry this first chapter is a little short…it's more of an introduction than anything. Soo….mmmhmm. Enjoy!

--

_Ba-ba…ba…ba-dump…ba-dump…_

A heart flutters back to life. A single, damaged, weak heart. Slowly it beats, pumping blood to the torn and injured organs of a single man who should be dead. A man who's eyes have begun to slowly open, pupils dialating, then shrinking at a rapid pace. This is the first time these eyes have seen the light of day in days. The man blinks several times and groans as he pushes himself to a sitting position. He finds himself laying in a valley of sorts amongst craters and spots of blood that no doubt have been caused by battle.

_Battle…_

Memories flash through his head and he groans again. His whole body aches from the beating that had caused his death.

_Death…I should be…dead._

His eyes squint shut and he cradles his head in his arms for a moment, before slowly standing, his legs shaking like those of a new born foal. He needed to find new, healthy organs, and he needed to find _him_.

--

I feel like I've been buried for fucking forever, but I hate to admit that it's probably only been a few days. A few fucking days since I was dismembered and buried alive. Damn that stupid Nara bastard! Now I'm stuck in a fucking hole that for all I know is hundreds of feet from the surface of the earth, hundreds of feet from the warm sun. It's damn cold down here, too. I hate being cold. I guess the only thing worse than being buried is being buried with the rest of your body scattered across the fucking map and having to live through it all. Jeez this sucks! I'm bored out of my fucking mind! I don't even have my rosary! A sigh escapes my lips. I've already prayed to Jashin several times to take my life, to let me die and spend the rest of my life at his side in my personal afterlife. Jashin-sama isn't quite so merciful however, as I'm still stuck in this life.

"DAMN YOU NARA SHIKAMARU!" I scream at the top of my lungs, but the layers of dirt not only muffle my voice, but fall into my open mouth. Damn it! Dirt tastes like _shit_.


	2. Rants from Fifty Feet Under

"I can't fucking stand this

"I can't fucking stand this!" A head with messy silver hair yelled out, before spitting dirt out of its mouth. Hidan, or rather Hidan's head, had been separated from his body and buried close to two and a half years ago.

"I don't have anyone to talk to but myself and I'm fucking _BORED!_" He continues to complain, violet eyes glaring at a worm that slowly digs through the dirt. "You want to hear a secret?" Hidan's head asks the worm. Clearly he must be desperate to talk to someone. _Anyone._ The loneliness is torture for even the most deadly of criminals. Then again, maybe his mental state wouldn't have been so bad had he not been able to feel his physical state as well. Though his head was separated from his other limbs, he could still 'sense' the rest of his body, as well as the dull ache that came with having so many open wounds. (Though as well all know, the pain wasn't the worst part for Hidan.) What was really bad was that he was close enough to his torso to feel all his organs. He felt his heart still pumping away, (slowly,) and he could feel his stomach, turning and knotting, hunger clawing desperately at its inside. Hidan groaned loudly.

"I really regret 'dying' how I did. I mean, not just because I was dismembered by a fucking kid, but…I just wasn't done in this life. I was expecting to still be on earth traveling around with Kakuzu right now, not eating dirt and talking to worms." He mumbles, averting his eyes and looking away from the worm that continued to slither past him.

"Man…what I'd do to get out of here…" He whispers. "I sure as hell wouldn't go back to Akatsuki…I mean if it wasn't for Akatsuki and that dumb-ass Leader of ours I would never have had to battle those Konoha nin. I mean, I never really gave a shit about those stupid 'tailed beasts' to begin with. I was happy the way things were! And it's Leader's fault that Kakuzu is…" Hidan's voice trailed off. Even two and a half years after the life changing battle with Shikamaru Nara, Hatake Kakashi, and the others, he was still finding it difficult to accept that Kakuzu had died.

"The fucking bastard lied to me. He told me he was immortal. Those fucking hearts should have kept him alive." Hidan complained bitterly, barely pausing before continuing on with his next rant.

"No, I wouldn't go back to Akatsuki…I'd continue to travel with Kakuzu and help him collect his bounties." He sighed, and closed his eyes. He was silent for a long time, which was unusual for such a loud mouth such as the deadly zealot. The silver haired man didn't have a lot of time to sulk however, as suddenly his eyes sprung open.

"What the…_hell?_" He gasped. He could have sworn he felt, or rather _sensed_ that someone was moving his limbs, particularly his torso.

"WHAT THE FUCK? LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BASTARDS! LEAVE MY BODY PARTS WHERE THEY ARE! DAMN IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Hidan began to scream again, and the worm crawled away.

--

"Two and a half years…" The man sighed. "It took me two and a half years…" He muttered, lifting the torso of a certain Jashin-worshipping zealot from a deep hole in the ground and carefully, (Okay, not so carefully,) tossing it in a huge, bulging burlap sack next to him. After doing so, he paused, counting how many heartbeats he felt in his chest.

_One…two…three…four…_

_Good…they're all healthy. I was afraid they wouldn't accept my body._ He thought, before hoisting the sack onto his shoulders and continuing on.

Author's Note: Alrighty! Chapter two is out there right away! Thanks Florence Exander! Much luffs! Hope you guys are enjoying so far. I know the story isn't too exciting so far…but it will get better. And just so you know, I don't think this story is going to be a long, ongoing plot. It's probably going to be a story made up of mini-plots. I'm not quite sure yet, but I figured I should warn you guys now incase you were expecting something else. Thanks!


	3. Knight in Shining Red Clouds

I'd been screaming my head off (Yeah, I know, pun,) for what I could only assume was a week, though what little bit of sense I

I'd been screaming my head off (Yeah, I know, pun,) for what I could only assume was a week, though what little bit of sense I had left told me it'd only been an hour or so. Who _dared_ to harvest my body like corn and squash? Who _dared_ touch me without my permission? At first I was just screaming vulgarities at this unknown body farmer. After a while I began praying to Jashin, begging him to strike this fucker down and make him pay for messing with the most devote Jashinist in the whole fucking country, if not the world. Still, I still had a strange sensation of movement coming from what little I could feel of the rest of my body parts. Finally I returned to screeching out vulgarities. After what felt like ages later, when my throat felt like I'd swallowed shards of glass, the damn worm returned. It just crawled around in front of me, so very slowly. Just watching it must have put me asleep eventually, 'cause the next thing I remember was waking up and spitting dirt out of my mouth. On top of that, my throat was feeling a bit better, but that didn't last long because I started screaming again.

"FOR JASHIN'S SAKE! WHO THE FUCK IS MESSING WITH MY BODY?" I hollered at the top of my lungs. "I bet's it's that fucking Nara brat! He probably wants to put me back together so he can try and tear me apart again! Well I got a surprise for him! I'll rip him to fucking shreds before he can even try to do the same to me!" An evil cackle exploded from my mouth and it even surprised _me_ a little, but I only paused for a second before continuing my rant. "Or maybe it's the Akatsuki leader…I bet he wants me back! Well screw him! It's his fault I'm in this whole damn mess! I'll never come back to him! Fucking Akatsuki…got me in this mess, stuck me with Kakuzu…" And suddenly I lost my voice. The sound of Kakuzu's name, the thought of Kakuzu at all, shocked me more than my cackle. "Maybe…" My voice returned, but it was strange, tiny, and quiet. "Maybe it's Kakuzu that's collecting me…trying to find me…" I paused and I swore I could feel my heart flutter, even though I, or rather my head, wasn't even connected to it any more. "N-no…it wouldn't be Kakuzu. I mean…I'm sure…even if he was alive..." I couldn't believe that Kakuzu was dead. Not stubborn, impossible Kakuzu. Those Konoha bastards couldn't kill me, there was no way they'd be able to kill Kakuzu. "There's no way Kakuzu would come after me. I gave him so much shit…he hated me. I know it, he hated me. He'd rather leave me to rot under the Earth then ever come and find me…" I don't know when my anger had turned to remorse, but right now I couldn't even _think_ of being mad. "Kakuzu hated me, I know…but…I wish…I w-wish I could have spent more time with him…I wish…I could have told him that of all the people _I_ hated…I hated him the least."

This was the second time in my life I'd ever cried, and the first time I'd ever cried over Kakuzu. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last. After that unusual burst of emotion, my eyes started to burn and I ended up falling asleep again. I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

I think I was asleep for a long time. I had a lot more dirt in my mouth and ears than I usually do when I just take short naps. On top of that there was a little worm…nest thing… (Whatever they're called,) in front of me. I can't imagine those slow little fuckers making any sort of home in a few hours, so I realized I must have been out for a while. What then had woken me up? Why wasn't I still practically unconscious? It was then that I felt the dirt around me start to shift.

"Shit!" I hissed. "Whoever has the rest of my body has finally found my head!" I was all too aware of something pushing through the dirt around me, and then jam into the back of my head.

"HEY! FUCKER!" I screamed. Whatever was down here with me recoiled as if in surprise then poked the back of my head a few times. Then it was gone, and I heard the sound of a shovel start digging directly above me, and the worms started crawling out of their nest and away, digging through the earth. I was so pissed off I could hardly think.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU BASTARD! I KNOW IT'S YOUR NARA! QUIT DIGGING ME UP! SON OF A BITCH! I SWEAR TO JASHIN I'LL RIP YOU TO PIECES AND FEED YOU TO FAT ASS TEAM MATE!"

I continued hollering and yelling and making a fuss even as I felt a firm hand grasp my hair and start pulling me up to the surface, up to the sunlight.

"DAMN YOU! YOU STUPID MOTHER FUC-" I stopped screaming the instant the hand turned my head so that I could see the face it was connected to, so I could see my rescuer.

"K-K-Kakuzu…" I stammered, and suddenly I had lost my voice. He looked exactly as I remember, clad in his red cloud cloak and mysterious mask. I opened my mouth to try and speak but nothing came out, so I was silent as my old Akatsuki partner carefully laid my head on a patch of grass, then grabbed a huge burlap sack and dumped out it's contents on the ground. I saw my arms, legs, fingers, feet, hands…everything lying before my very eyes. Kakuzu said nothing, but simply removed his cloak and sat down in front of the mound of parts that was my body. He started with my left hand. Digging through my pile of parts in front of him he managed to locate the fingers that belonged on that hand, even though they were cut up into fairly small pieces. Then one of those strange tendrils appeared from one of his seams and he began to sew my hand back together before locating the rest of my arm and sewing my hand to that, before attaching the whole thing to my torso and then he started over with my right hand. This process would take several long hours. Kakuzu acted as though he was sewing the finest fabric in the world that might turn to dust if he handled it too roughly. The entire time I watched in complete and utter silence, for I had no clue what to say. I was still shocked that Kakuzu had actually found me, all of me, down to every last fingertip. I wondered if he felt my heart pounding in my chest as he re-attached my arm to my torso. I almost expected to wake and find myself still buried underground with only a family of worms for company, but as Kakuzu reached for my head and began to sew it on to my now complete body, I realized that this was no dream and Kakuzu had truly come to my rescue. As soon as Kakuzu completed his last stitch and I was finally one with my body again, a rush of sensations and feelings attacked me all at once. I was so hungry I started dry retching, my beating heart was incredibly heavy, the feeling of blood pulsing through my veins for the first time in three year it made me lightheaded and dizzy, and I also began to shiver and shake so violently it made my muscles ache. It didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't just shaking because I was naked and somewhat cold as usual, but also because of the serious trauma my body had gone through, being torn apart and separated for so long. Kakuzu just watched me for a moment with an expression I couldn't understand. I wondered if he was just watching the wounds he'd just sewn moments before already starting to heal leaving no scars at all. Finally he seemed to wake from a daze and he returned to the burlap sack, pulling from its depths my old Akatsuki uniform. He helped me to stand on my legs which were weaker than a foal's because of lack of use and the violent shaking. I watched in awe as he helped my put my pants back on as a mother would a child while I clung to his shoulder for support. He slipped my arms into my cloak, and put my shoes on my feet. By now most of his makeshift sutures had dissolved and my body had healed most the wound the threads had held together. Kakuzu then helped me sit back down and picked up his own Akatsuki cloak that still laid in a crumpled mess on the ground. He stuck his hand deep into one of the hidden pockets inside of the cloak and pulled out something shiny. Clearly he had worked very hard to keep it safe. I could tell he was smiling under his mask as he turned around and handed me my rosary. I was so shocked I couldn't even reach my hand out to take it, so instead Kakuzu put it over my head for me. I felt almost complete now.

"S-s-scythe?" I asked in a tiny quivering voice that I couldn't even recognize as mine. And for the first time in three years I heard Kakuzu's deep, smooth, hypnotizing voice again.

"I left it in a safe place. It was difficult to carry your scythe and a bag filled with body parts at the same time." He explained. I tried to nod, but it was difficult because hearing Kakuzu's voice made me shake even more violently than before.

"Now," He spoke again and returned his hand to the pocket of his cloak, pulling out a small box tied with string. He pulled of the string and opened the package, revealing its contents. It was a box full of cold cooked rice. "Eat." He demanded, handing me the food. I snatched the box and began scarfing the food down, not bothering to use the disposable wooden chopsticks that sat on top. I just shoveled the rice down with my hands. Too soon it was gone, and I certainly wasn't full, but that small box of rice was enough to make my shaking calm to a small constant shiver, enough to keep me from retching. When I looked up from my food I saw that Kakuzu had laid out the burlap sack next to me. I gave him a questioning look and he pointed to it.

"Lie down and go to sleep." He ordered.

"But I've done nothing but sleep for…for however long I was buried!" I complained, upset that my voice was still tiny, still now my own. Kakuzu seemed thrilled at what I said, however. I guess he was worried because I hadn't said anything for the past several hours. Maybe he was glad that I was complaining because it meant I was returning to my old self.

"Lay down." He repeated, crossing his arms and sitting down in front of me.

"Fiiiiine…" I whined, lying down on the burlap. I was glad I was wearing my cloak because it kept me from having to touch the itchy fabric.

"Close your eyes." Kakuzu then told me.

"No." I said immediately.

"Do it or I you won't get any more food." He threatened. I think he was surprised at my grin.

"Fiiiiiine…" I whined again, and closed my eyes. It was now my turn to be surprised because it wasn't until now that I realized how exhausted I was. So I gave in and let sleep take me over.

"Thank God you're okay." I thought I heard Kakuzu say, but I was so close to sleep I couldn't be sure he had said anything at all. Just in case he did say something, I figured I should respond. So half asleep, I mumbled;

"Thanks Kakuzu. You're my knight in shining red clouds."

Author's Note: Here we go! A nice long chapter to make up for the lack up updates in the past few weeks. :smile: I always imagined Kakuzu taking care of Hidan even though the Zealot pisses him off…xD Anyway, sorry about the first line on all my stories…it's like a repeat or something. Maybe it's only on my computer that this repeat line is seen, but just know that if you see it too, it's not intentional…I think it's a glitch with FanFic. :shrug: Oh well. Enjoy this chappie!


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